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When you are an introvert there are many aspects of a relationship that may feel overwhelming. Having to express yourself and share your inner world with your partner may feel outside of your comfort zone, but it is an essential part of a happy and healthy relationship.
What it means to be an introvert
Introverts tend to have a lot of thought processes happening without as many corresponding social interactions and behaviors. They might withdraw from social situations especially when there are more than a couple of people. Extroverts prefer to engage in social situations and are energized by these interactions. According to psychiatrist Carl Jung here are some characteristics associated with being introverted:
- Withdrawal under stress
- Careful balancing of considerations when making decisions
- Preference for internal thought process versus external interactions
- Inclination towards spending time alone or in quieter spaces with just a couple people
The impact on your relationship
Introverts prefer to be in their own internal worlds. This means there is a lot of thinking and internal dialogue happening about external situations. While this type of reflection has its benefits, it can be harmful to a relationship. Here are some of the potential problems with this behavior:
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- You create stories about what is happening in your partner’s world so you are not truly in touch with them
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- You assign reasons and intentions to things that have happened which may or may not be correct
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- You may not be holding your partner in the positive perspective or giving them the benefit of the doubt
Introvert’s Guide to a Successful Relationship
1. Increase your friendship
Here is one tool to increase your friendship and positivity with your partner.
Use the Love Map card deck to better understand your partner’s world and for them to know yours. Pay special attention to the cards that address how you enjoy spending your free time so it doesn’t become that elephant in the room.
Remember your partner is the one person that you need to be friends with. So while you may enjoy different activities and social situations, it is important that you talk about it so that one person doesn’t end up feeling alone. Your partner enjoys socializing in big groups while you prefer a quiet evening at home or going out to dinner? This is when you use the art of compromise.
Maybe you go out to a party but you ask your partner to not leave you by yourself. Maybe you go out to dinner but just invite one other couple. There are lots of possibilities, but the important piece is that you have open dialogue about it so that you both get your needs met and don’t feel resentful of each other.
The benefit of increasing your friendship
When you are good friends with your partner, you don’t always need to go out and socialize with others. Even if your partner is an extrovert, they will enjoy spending time with you.
2. Build in rituals
Rituals of connections are the small moments of connection with your partner. Using the card decks pay special attention to these cards:
- Bringing friends into our home
- Celebrating success/holidays
- Renewing ourselves when we are burned out
The benefit of rituals
If you are emotionally connected to one another, you can go your separate ways on occasion and feel comfortable doing so. Maybe one evening you stay home and watch your favorite show and your partner goes out with friends from work. While that should not be your default arrangement, every now and then it can be valuable.
3. Protect your relationship
Here is one tool to use to protect your relationship from outside stress.
The stress reducing conversation is a 15-20 minute talk that you have on a daily basis with your partner. It typically happens when you get home from work. This is a time to ask about each other’s days and in particular to invite your partner to talk about something stressful (not related to the relationship.) Your job is ONLY to listen and provide validation and support of your partner’s feelings and experience. Then they will do the same for you.
The benefit of protecting your relationship
What this does is create a sense of we-ness and reduces the stress level of each partner so that it does not negatively impact the relationship.
This may seem like a daunting task but remember your role is to just listen and validate your partner’s feelings. Remember holding onto stress and ruminating about it will be bad for your health and well-being and ultimately that of your relationship.
Once you have habitualized this talk, you may find that you that you actually enjoy it!
4. Manage conflict
Just because you don’t talk about problems doesn’t mean they will go away. In fact, couples who don’t talk about their conflicts tend to become emotionally disconnected and often end up divorcing. They are able to ‘last’ longer than volatile high conflict couples because their disconnection is slow but insidious. Being able to avoid conversations about problems and conflict can often times result in prolonged suffering.
Use these six skills when talking about a conflict situation, and when (not if) a regrettable incident happens make sure you process it afterwards. Here is the blueprint for doing so. If you follow this recipe you will navigate your conflict effectively, repair any damage done during an argument, and strengthen your relationship.
The benefit of managing conflict
Stop suffering alone. Conflict is an opportunity for connection. When you can understand your partner’s point of view (even if you don’t agree with it) and can empathize with their emotions, you will deepen your connection with one another. When you feel seen and heard by your partner, you will feel a greater sense of emotional well-being.
The need for connection
Being an introvert does not mean you don’t need other people. In fact you likely form deep connections with a select few. But being around others does not fuel you, and might at times feel exhausting. When it comes to your relationship with your partner or spouse, it is important to pay attention to this. You don’t want to be so depleted that by the time you’re around your partner, you want to be left alone.
Your relationship with your partner/spouse is one of the most important sources of health and well-being. The introvert’s guide to a successful relationship will strengthen your foundation of friendship and support it through conflict and stress. Using these Gottman tools will lead to a fulfilling relationship for both introverts and extroverts.