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Lashing out at my kids one day for a seemingly minor offense, they had had enough. “Why are you so angry all the time?” My son asked. “Yeah, Mom, you yell a lot.” This broke me. Growing up in a home where my mother yelled a lot, I often walked on eggshells, not knowing exactly what her mood would be.
I usually hid my true feelings and generally didn’t express myself for fear of rejection or her wrath. This moment with my kids confirmed I had become just like her. I went upstairs and wept. “God?” I asked. “Help me break this generational sin of approval and negativity. I don’t know how to stop hurting my kids with my words, but you do. Help me break this stronghold in my life.”
I went downstairs and apologized. From then on, I worked hard to make sure I tamed my tongue and ensured that they came home to a safe, loving environment. Since I came from a tumultuous home, I wasn’t sure how to do it. But with God’s help, I could change my attitude and become gentler in responding to them. After a while, I couldn’t remember the last time I yelled at my kids.
It’s easy to live what we learn. If we don’t have the skills to change our behavior, we will often become like the people we hate the most. While I’m the type of person who speaks her mind, it is not always good for me to say whatever comes to my mind. I need to weigh and discern which words should come out and which should not.
Here’s how I learned the art of taming my tongue:
Balancing Grace and Truth
As a writer, I find it interesting that Genesis begins with God speaking the world into existence. This demonstrates that God considers words a critical part of life. He could have created the earth with his hands and mind, but he chose to speak life into being with words.
In the same way, I need to choose between speaking life or death to the people I know. I don’t want to be the person who constantly criticizes others. I want to be the person who speaks the truth in love and strikes a good balance between grace and truth. Although this balance is difficult to find at times, I know that words are essential, and if I don’t build my words correctly, I can leave a slew of carnage in my wake.
Recognizing the Weight of Words
Just as my words are important, they also carry significant weight. This is especially true with the people I love. Because I’m known as someone they can go to for blatant truth, if I’m feeling bad about another situation, it’s easier for me to project my feelings onto someone else. That person is left not knowing why I was so harsh with them, and though it makes me feel better, it’s only for the short term. In the long run, I have strained my relationship with someone I care about.
While it is important not to sweep words under the rug, speaking words is equally important so that I can tell the truth—but with grace. For example, instead of, “You were so stupid. Why did you do that?” I can gently ask, “Did you ask someone to counsel you before you did that? That’s not God’s best for you.” Both sentences communicate my disappointment with the other’s actions. But the first one assassinates their character. The second allows me to speak the truth and challenge them to seek other people’s opinions before they do something they may regret later.
If I continue to attack someone’s character, it can leave them feeling worthless, and they will likely not want to seek my presence again. This hurts not only them but also me in the end.
Practicing a Gentle Response
Several Proverbs talk about taming the tongue. God considers this necessary if he chooses to have almost an entire book dedicated to it. Consider these words from Proverbs 10:11: “The mouth of the righteous is a fountain of life, but the mouth of the wicked conceals violence. Gracious words are a honeycomb, sweet to the soul and healing to the bones.”
As Scripture suggests, when I am gracious and gentle with my words, they are sweet to others’ ears. However, when I’m harsh with others, I incite anger and possibly retaliation or revenge. Even if harsh words are “necessary,” they never yield healthy relationships.
Even when it is tempting to be harsh with someone after they’ve been harsh, I must choose to use my words wisely. As someone whose spiritual gift is wisdom, I need to use wisdom when it comes to my words. I need to choose my words carefully and speak to someone I feel can maturely handle a rebuke.
Building Others Up
Even when it feels good in the short-term, using harsh words with someone strains (or even severs) relationships. This causes me to go back and apologize and make the situation right. Although this is a lesson in humility, I must learn to never say those words in the first place. Just as we can sin or become more righteous each day, it is the same with our words. I can choose to use my words for good or for evil. I want to be someone who can speak the truth in love but also encourage often.
The best way I can balance this is to use my words to bless someone each day. Whether through a written note, e-mail, or text, I can highlight something I like about someone and send it to them. Funerals are when we wish we could have said things to people. I choose each day to bless someone with love before they go. This is an excellent way for me to use my tongue to build others up rather than tear others down.
Reconciling
Just as words have the power to sever or hinder relationships, they also can bring reconciliation. When I apologize to someone, I increase humility, rid myself of pride, and allow forgiveness to occur. When I am willing to work on a relationship by changing my words, I make room for the Spirit to work in my life. I can set an example for someone through kind words, but in my challenge to someone, I can choose to be gentle in that rebuke so they can receive it with love and can change.
We have the power to bring death or life to others. God chose to use words to breathe life into being. Through our words in prayer, we usher in the Holy Spirit and allow miracles to occur. The ability to speak will enable us to be tangible witnesses of Christ. If I choose to help those in need and only rebuke those whose motives I know and have discerned, I will be the example Christ has set to challenge and inspire hearts.
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